On Cats, By Steve Barber
Wednesday, October 29 2008 @ 12:00 AM MST
Views: 313
Views: 313
Another amusement from one of our regular contributors. Although, we must admit that we are cat people and so, not nearly as amused as we were with the dog piece. Oh, we're dog people, too, but as any cat will tell you, cats are #1.. And, in this case, they're also funny. Humor Editor
On Cats, by Steve Barber
If you came here expecting dog limericks, I'm afraid you're out of luck. I know I said I'd do it, but, well, it's not gonna happen. So get over it.
Look, it's not as though I didn't give it a shot. But you try rhyming words like Basenji or Affenpinscher or Asiuki or, Dog forbid, Shih Tzu. Not quite as easy as you thought, huh?
So, instead, I decided to write about cats.
Cats?
Yes, cats.
I don't like cats.
Now, before you get all huffy with me, I want you to notice I didn't say I hate cats. It's just that I don't much care for them. Dogs don't much care for them either, and I've found that their judgment is generally spot on.
It's not that I hold any personal animosity toward cats. I'm sure many of them are fine, upstanding citizens -- to the extent that cats can be citizens, of course. Which isn't much since they are, after all, cats. I guess it's really the cat owners -- the cat people -- who are the problem.
What is it with them? They are obsessed with their cats. And the truth is, their cats don't give a fig about them. Dogs are different. A dog would crawl through Hell just to lick your hand when you come home from work. Yet you don't see dog people giving their pets cutesy names and talking baby talk to them, unless they have those yappy little frou-frou dogs that might as well be cats.
If you're a cat person, you need to understand something. Your cats are not your babies. Babies do not leap to the top of the refrigerator, nor do they shed all over your dinner. Babies do not have fangs, nor do they have retractable claws. Babies do not leave small, furry dead things by the back door. If babies were large and you were small, the babies would not eat you in a heartbeat. A cat would. Your cats do not love you.
Your cats do not write poetry either, but if they did, like dogs, it would probably be Haiku. Perhaps like these:
#
You have allergies
Cats have dander. Deal with it
Now go bring my food.
#
The dog is sleeping
Now is the time to attack
Twenty claws unleashed
#
People annoy me
They serve no earthly purpose.
Wait! Bring me my food!
#
The plans are in place
To overthrow the humans
But first I must nap
#
I don't want to go
I don't need to see the vet
What does "neuter" mean?
On Cats, by Steve Barber
If you came here expecting dog limericks, I'm afraid you're out of luck. I know I said I'd do it, but, well, it's not gonna happen. So get over it.
Look, it's not as though I didn't give it a shot. But you try rhyming words like Basenji or Affenpinscher or Asiuki or, Dog forbid, Shih Tzu. Not quite as easy as you thought, huh?
So, instead, I decided to write about cats.
Cats?
Yes, cats.
I don't like cats.
Now, before you get all huffy with me, I want you to notice I didn't say I hate cats. It's just that I don't much care for them. Dogs don't much care for them either, and I've found that their judgment is generally spot on.
It's not that I hold any personal animosity toward cats. I'm sure many of them are fine, upstanding citizens -- to the extent that cats can be citizens, of course. Which isn't much since they are, after all, cats. I guess it's really the cat owners -- the cat people -- who are the problem.
What is it with them? They are obsessed with their cats. And the truth is, their cats don't give a fig about them. Dogs are different. A dog would crawl through Hell just to lick your hand when you come home from work. Yet you don't see dog people giving their pets cutesy names and talking baby talk to them, unless they have those yappy little frou-frou dogs that might as well be cats.
If you're a cat person, you need to understand something. Your cats are not your babies. Babies do not leap to the top of the refrigerator, nor do they shed all over your dinner. Babies do not have fangs, nor do they have retractable claws. Babies do not leave small, furry dead things by the back door. If babies were large and you were small, the babies would not eat you in a heartbeat. A cat would. Your cats do not love you.
Your cats do not write poetry either, but if they did, like dogs, it would probably be Haiku. Perhaps like these:
#
You have allergies
Cats have dander. Deal with it
Now go bring my food.
#
The dog is sleeping
Now is the time to attack
Twenty claws unleashed
#
People annoy me
They serve no earthly purpose.
Wait! Bring me my food!
#
The plans are in place
To overthrow the humans
But first I must nap
#
I don't want to go
I don't need to see the vet
What does "neuter" mean?