The Deadliest Catch, by Heather Gregson
Friday, May 07 2010 @ 12:00 AM MST
Views: 151
Views: 151
We weren't sure whether to put this into Fiction, add on a Horror forum, or just turn anti-shellfish, but finally decided it fit perfectly into the Humor Forum. Perfectly. In a very deadly way, at least. And we doubt too many of our readers will be heading to Red Lobster any time soon. Humor Editor
The Deadliest Catch, by Heather Gregson
This is the Bering Sea. 1 million square miles of the most dangerous, and treacherous waters. Violent waves, bone numbing cold and bone crushing steel, make Alaskan crab fishing the deadliest job in the world. Welcome to the Deadliest Catch.
Captain Johnathan on the Time Bandit is enjoying calm seas and warm temperatures. He is first to the crab grounds and prepares to drop all 125 pots to catch his first 100,000 pounds to make his first offload delivery date.
*****
"It doesn't get any better than this. Warm sun, flat calm. Makes you wonder what's brewing. You know we're going to pay for this later. You guys ready?" Johnathan asks.
"It's King Crab, baby," Andy yells up from the deck.
"Got a crab pot soaking," Johnathan says, hitting the buzzer to signal the launch of the pot.
*****
30 hours after dropping their pots, the Time Bandit returns to start pulling the first string and see if they've landed on the crab or dropped their pots in crab desert. As the block strains and the pot comes over the rail, it's obvious the Time Bandit has hit pay dirt.
*****
"Look at this. These have to be 8 pounds each," Andy calls, holding up two large King crab.
"Yeah baby," Johnathan says into the PA, seeing the pot empty on the sorting table. "If each pot is like this, we're going to fill this boat real fast.
*****
As each pot comes over the rail, it is filled with over one hundred keepers. Captain Johnathan has landed all the Time Bandit's pots on a dense biomass. With each string, the boat's holds quickly fill to capacity.
As the crew secures the deck and then gets some much needed sleep, Captain Johnathan steers to St Paul Island where the Time Bandit will be first to offload.
*****
With great care, the King crab pile one on top of the other. When the stack is high enough, the lead King crab turns the lids and it slips off the tank as the Time Bandit rises and fall in the swells. With lid off, the King crab being their climb out of the crab tank. One crab clamps its powerful claws on the edge while another clasps on to its hind set of legs. One at a time, another crab grabs on and the neat stack transforms into a ladder that stretches into the depths of the crab tank.
The first crabs out of the tank hurry to the starboard and aft crab tanks and lift the lids enough for them to wash off. Again the ladder of crabs quickly forms and faster than the tanks filled, they empty. When the last crab climbs out of the tank, their attention turns toward the galley door. Neat rows of crab towers form as they reach for the door. Turning the handle the door gives way with a squeak and clank of metal.
As they pour into galley, the lead Kind crab sticks his long probing tongue out and tastes the air.
With no need of further instruction, the crabs divide into two groups. They know what they are about. They have waited a year for this. Most were juveniles last year. They had been in the pots, only to be tossed back because they were too small. But not before they had heard the screams of their fathers and brothers as they were shoved into the tanks.
These crabs had been too small then. Then...not now.
Only the rhythmic clicking of their feet on the floor can be heard. Those who enter the crews' sleeping quarters, spilt into five groups. Each group climbing onto the bunk of a crewman.They start with the crewmen's feet. They want them to live long through this. They want each snip of flesh, each jolt of pain to linger.
*****
Andy wakes first. A sharp nip on his toe. What the hell are those guys up to, he wonders as he flicks on the light over his bunk. It is then he hears the scream, is it Scott or Eddie? Another sharp bite of his foot jolts Andy upright.
"What the fuck?" Andy yells in agony."Get off. Get off!"
He can feel the stick warmth of his own blood as the pool of blood grows around his feet. Looking down he sees a swarming mass of King crab. Each one biting a piece of his flesh off with their large, crushing claws. He tries to climb out of his bunk, but more King crab come clambering up his chest. The weight of them forcing him back down. He is helpless as each piece of flesh is viciously ripped from his bones. The severed tendons snap back, leaving bloody whip trails across the walls of the cabin. He can see the pearlescent sheen of bloody bone, protruding where there is no flesh.
The screams of his crewmates drown together in a gurgling mass of clicking claws and blood choked cries.
*****
The leader of the King crab is first to see Captain Johnathan. Hearing the cries of his crew, John raises his hand to hit the alarm, but instead, he hits the hard unyielding, spiked shell of the leader of the King crab. A large sharp claw grabs and crushes his thumb. The claw, crushing the bone into jagged splinters. Another crab, bites through the leather of the Captain's cowboy boot, rending a piece of flesh from his ankle bone. Desperate to escape, Johnathan kicks one of the crabs, sending it careening into the door and splitting it's shell open. The crab's innards ooze out, to mix with Johnathan's own blood on the wheelhouse floor.
"Son-of-a-bitch," Jonathan yells.
The lead King crab severs Johnathan's thumb from his hand, dropping the digit to the hungry mass now devouring Johnathan legs.
Eating his legs out from under him, the crabs turn their attention to the Captain's abdomen. His intestines spill onto the floor as the crabs devour them with malicious delight.
Seeing the last bit of their foe swallowed, the lead King crab picks up the body of their dead compatriot and begins to descend the stairs. He climbs out the doorand sildes down the chuteinto the Bering Sea. The body of their fallen brother, still in his claws.
Their work finished with quick, bloody and deadly efficiency, the King crab slide down the chute and march to the next set of crab pots.
*****
Each of the 98 boats that left Dutch Harbor in search of the elusive King crab was found adrift, with nothing onboard, save masses of dried blood and the bones of the crews. This Alaskan King Crab season was indeed The Deadliest Catch.
The Deadliest Catch, by Heather Gregson
This is the Bering Sea. 1 million square miles of the most dangerous, and treacherous waters. Violent waves, bone numbing cold and bone crushing steel, make Alaskan crab fishing the deadliest job in the world. Welcome to the Deadliest Catch.
Captain Johnathan on the Time Bandit is enjoying calm seas and warm temperatures. He is first to the crab grounds and prepares to drop all 125 pots to catch his first 100,000 pounds to make his first offload delivery date.
*****
"It doesn't get any better than this. Warm sun, flat calm. Makes you wonder what's brewing. You know we're going to pay for this later. You guys ready?" Johnathan asks.
"It's King Crab, baby," Andy yells up from the deck.
"Got a crab pot soaking," Johnathan says, hitting the buzzer to signal the launch of the pot.
*****
30 hours after dropping their pots, the Time Bandit returns to start pulling the first string and see if they've landed on the crab or dropped their pots in crab desert. As the block strains and the pot comes over the rail, it's obvious the Time Bandit has hit pay dirt.
*****
"Look at this. These have to be 8 pounds each," Andy calls, holding up two large King crab.
"Yeah baby," Johnathan says into the PA, seeing the pot empty on the sorting table. "If each pot is like this, we're going to fill this boat real fast.
*****
As each pot comes over the rail, it is filled with over one hundred keepers. Captain Johnathan has landed all the Time Bandit's pots on a dense biomass. With each string, the boat's holds quickly fill to capacity.
As the crew secures the deck and then gets some much needed sleep, Captain Johnathan steers to St Paul Island where the Time Bandit will be first to offload.
*****
With great care, the King crab pile one on top of the other. When the stack is high enough, the lead King crab turns the lids and it slips off the tank as the Time Bandit rises and fall in the swells. With lid off, the King crab being their climb out of the crab tank. One crab clamps its powerful claws on the edge while another clasps on to its hind set of legs. One at a time, another crab grabs on and the neat stack transforms into a ladder that stretches into the depths of the crab tank.
The first crabs out of the tank hurry to the starboard and aft crab tanks and lift the lids enough for them to wash off. Again the ladder of crabs quickly forms and faster than the tanks filled, they empty. When the last crab climbs out of the tank, their attention turns toward the galley door. Neat rows of crab towers form as they reach for the door. Turning the handle the door gives way with a squeak and clank of metal.
As they pour into galley, the lead Kind crab sticks his long probing tongue out and tastes the air.
With no need of further instruction, the crabs divide into two groups. They know what they are about. They have waited a year for this. Most were juveniles last year. They had been in the pots, only to be tossed back because they were too small. But not before they had heard the screams of their fathers and brothers as they were shoved into the tanks.
These crabs had been too small then. Then...not now.
Only the rhythmic clicking of their feet on the floor can be heard. Those who enter the crews' sleeping quarters, spilt into five groups. Each group climbing onto the bunk of a crewman.They start with the crewmen's feet. They want them to live long through this. They want each snip of flesh, each jolt of pain to linger.
*****
Andy wakes first. A sharp nip on his toe. What the hell are those guys up to, he wonders as he flicks on the light over his bunk. It is then he hears the scream, is it Scott or Eddie? Another sharp bite of his foot jolts Andy upright.
"What the fuck?" Andy yells in agony."Get off. Get off!"
He can feel the stick warmth of his own blood as the pool of blood grows around his feet. Looking down he sees a swarming mass of King crab. Each one biting a piece of his flesh off with their large, crushing claws. He tries to climb out of his bunk, but more King crab come clambering up his chest. The weight of them forcing him back down. He is helpless as each piece of flesh is viciously ripped from his bones. The severed tendons snap back, leaving bloody whip trails across the walls of the cabin. He can see the pearlescent sheen of bloody bone, protruding where there is no flesh.
The screams of his crewmates drown together in a gurgling mass of clicking claws and blood choked cries.
*****
The leader of the King crab is first to see Captain Johnathan. Hearing the cries of his crew, John raises his hand to hit the alarm, but instead, he hits the hard unyielding, spiked shell of the leader of the King crab. A large sharp claw grabs and crushes his thumb. The claw, crushing the bone into jagged splinters. Another crab, bites through the leather of the Captain's cowboy boot, rending a piece of flesh from his ankle bone. Desperate to escape, Johnathan kicks one of the crabs, sending it careening into the door and splitting it's shell open. The crab's innards ooze out, to mix with Johnathan's own blood on the wheelhouse floor.
"Son-of-a-bitch," Jonathan yells.
The lead King crab severs Johnathan's thumb from his hand, dropping the digit to the hungry mass now devouring Johnathan legs.
Eating his legs out from under him, the crabs turn their attention to the Captain's abdomen. His intestines spill onto the floor as the crabs devour them with malicious delight.
Seeing the last bit of their foe swallowed, the lead King crab picks up the body of their dead compatriot and begins to descend the stairs. He climbs out the doorand sildes down the chuteinto the Bering Sea. The body of their fallen brother, still in his claws.
Their work finished with quick, bloody and deadly efficiency, the King crab slide down the chute and march to the next set of crab pots.
*****
Each of the 98 boats that left Dutch Harbor in search of the elusive King crab was found adrift, with nothing onboard, save masses of dried blood and the bones of the crews. This Alaskan King Crab season was indeed The Deadliest Catch.